LEARNING FROM COVID 

I got Long Covid in December 2020 and it came with alarming mobility problems, chest pain and other debilitating symptoms. 

I think the recovery took so long as I picked up the virus after a long period of intense burnout and high anxiety as a single parent.

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I've put the key learning I've gained from all this in caps throughout this page, incase any of it resonates.

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1. LIFE ALWAYS BRINGS US FACE TO FACE WITH OUR BIGGEST FEARS, TO HELP US OUTGROW THEM.

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What happened directed me to withdraw from the fast lane, befriend many things I was afraid of, including darkness and what initially felt like isolation, and find ways to recharge myself.

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I have had to learn to get to know my body and nervous system and treat it with kindness, and wait for a clear internal yes or no before taking action.

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Before 2020 when I look at what I used to take on I can see I was constantly over-riding my limits.

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In the first year when I felt very debilitated and immobile I had a lot of fear of the symptoms and what they meant as they were so severe and multifaceted. At that stage daily news reports highlighted how Covid was still killing people.

​A close friend made me give her a list of people to call if the worst happened.​​​

I now fear the symptoms less as I have seen how they eventually pass when I stop overextending myself, and accept that they are there to teach me to keep myself in balance or as a friend in Massachusetts says; "stay in your square". 

2.. WE ARE NOT SUPERHUMAN.

WE NEED TO TAKE CARE TO STAY WITHIN OUR CAPACITY

& TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR OWN HAPPINESS.

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I have learned to go about life at a much steadier pace, expect less of myself (there was a lot of self judgment, particularly about my parenting). On days when the symptoms were strong, just doing a few essential housework/meal prep tasks had to be enough. I realised I had become so focussed on doing and achieving in order to justify my existence, that there was no room for letting myself just "be", so I started to give myself a lot more room to breathe. Gaps became factored in to every day where possible, and recovery time afterwards was scheduled if that wasnt possible.

Initially, having to cut my paid work right down to a bare minimum was scary with two hungry and energetic sons who I desperately wanted to be free of financial restriction, but I have slowly been able to build my earnings back up again.

With my Occupational Therapist hat on I managed to problem solve bigger tasks and do them in stages. I bought an electric wheelchair for that first year and learned to shop first thing in the morning and cook the evening meal for the kids at lunchtime so I could guarantee they'd always have healthy home cooked food. Friends helped with lifts to football practice etc in that first year. Neighbours sometimes offered to get me a few things from the supermarket and delivered some cooked meals which were an absolute life line for us early on. I had to learn to accept more help, which felt terrifying and brought up a fear that I wouldnt have the energy to reciprocate and those giving us help might resent me and see me as a "burden" or a "freeloader". Another big fear I'd had for years. Looking back, things have rebalanced and Im so grateful and touched by all the things people offered us with so much kindness in early 2021.

Learning what recharged me, I was able to increase the activity, and cope with more. Being able to play the cello again for more than one minute was a crucial step forward, and learning a physically less demanding instrument was essential.

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I figured out a few side hustles which helped me to earn even when I was too debilitated to do consecutive hours of work.

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Slowly over time I learned to be less frightened of the energy crashes. If one happened when I was driving I would feel the warning signs, park up in a layby and lie down on the back seat for half an hour to an hour until it was safe to drive again. I always planned drives with allowances for resting. It took the pressure off.

Incase my energy dipped at a gig, I factored in a breaks. If my walking stopped working when out in public, I learned about backup strategies. I used my electric trike to go into town after ditching the conspicuous wheelchair and I learned how to disguise the "funny walking" a bit to reduce the drama. We figured out ways to manage the school runs.  I stopped going to large supermarkets and avoided going out later in the day. Soon friends got used to it.

My eldest son also learned to help me walk very skilfully if an energy crash suddenly came on, lending me his body strength to lean against. I will never forget his good natured-ness at these moments: at parents evenings, school plays, football matches and trophy presentations.

Five years later. and Id say Im 70% recovered, albeit managing pretty well with progressively less activity through the day. I avoid busy places, stressful deadlines and live a much more peaceful life. I have a super healthy diet, drink hardly any caffeine, loads of water, and spend a lot of time outside every morning, in all weathers, walking with dogs or swimming in wild places. I'm not saying I have it all sorted, there is still work to be done. But it has been like shedding the skin of my old identity and my people pleasing tendencies, and slowly building a new one. 

3. THE BODY IS A POWERFUL TEACHER; 

IT OFTEN REFLECTS OUR UNMET NEEDS.

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Often I've been disappointed that I've hit frequent brick walls in low energy and pain, and have had to withdraw from friends and family. Some have been very offended and havent understood, but fortunately some have. One of the golden nuggets I have learned is that in contrast to what I was taught throughout my childhood,

4. MY VALUE IS LESS ABOUT WHAT I'VE TICKED OFF THE TO DO LIST,

AND MORE IN THE QUALITY OF PRESENCE THAT I BRING TO OTHERS.

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IFS and its emphasis on releasing stored up emotions has been useful, as have the tips of a friend and colleague of Dick Schwartz, Loch Kelly, who does guided meditations to help people access a more centred, calm and compassionate version of themselves - the self.

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Working on my diet, my beliefs, my meditation practice, increasing time spent in nature (which is unconditionally supportive), adapting my rest routine to the needs of my system has been beneficial. I enjoy my own company a lot more, as I feel more content and balanced, more grateful of the little things. I'm choosing each "yes" or "no" so much more consciously, carefully, trusting my nervous system will make things clear when I cant decide how to respond to outside demands.

I've sought out those who are comfortable with companionable silences and who appreciate the simple things. Animals, nature, gardening, music, river swimming, little adventures. My partner Jim and my teenaged sons are particularly wonderful like that. The good connections I do enjoy with close friends & family are all the more valuable to me now.

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While researching alternative treatments, I've discovered some interesting recovery stories. Most of the stories involve big lifestyle changes. Most people seem to say it brings about huge changes in how they think and behave, and what they prioritise.

The most important discovery has been how long covid symptoms can be feared/fought, or accepted and responded for with curiosity and compassion. These terms fit with IFS concepts, but we dont often think to apply them to chronic health problems. 

Despite the disappointments and isolation, the increased time I have had to explore my inner world has increased my understanding that

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5. I AM SUPPORTED BY NATURE, AS I AM PART OF IT.

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Sometimes it is a very subtle nudge or little clue, but once I'm paying attention to what is around me, something is usually there which gives me exactly the insight or help I need. This new sense of connection to life, rather than isolation has been crucial in reducing adrenaline and cortisol, helping my body to recover more quickly. 

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Musical expression has always helped and uplifted me, and I've been gaining confidence in singing (something that used to induce a lot of fear and freezing, which does nothing for freeing the vocal chords). It feels like a revelation to finally be performing songs with my own lyrics, with my talented and extremely patient partner Jim Driscoll.

In connection with IFS, I have recently begun training in somatic vocal healing with Jacob Vermeulen, as I've found somatic awareness translates well into vocal expression, breaking through the confines of words and our cultural restrictions, with transformative results. 

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More and more people are suffering from burnout due to increased financial pressures, and mental health issues. Long Covid and other chronic health conditions are often exacerbated by a sense of hopelessness, overwhelm and isolation.

To make matters worse, these conditions are often misunderstood when assessed by medical professionals who in my experience, through no fault of their own, don't yet have personal insights or training and tend to make assumptions about our characters. Reading Miranda Hart's autobiography "I haven't been entirely honest with you", or watching George Monbiot's Youtube videos on people with Long Covid and how they have been treated in health and social care gives examples. I really hope that emerging research will set the record straight.

IF THIS IS YOUR EXPERIENCE, I WOULD LOVE TO OFFER YOU A FREE CONSULTATION AND FIND OUT WHETHER YOU MIGHT FIND IFS SUPPORTIVE. DISCOUNTS ARE AVAILABLE FOR FURTHER SESSIONS FOR THOSE ON A REDUCED INCOME.