IFS and finding a map through Long Covid

Polyvagal theory tells us that chronic health conditions persist when we are in a state of hypervigilance and fear. According to the theory's originator, Steven Porges, our nervous system automatically evaluates risk and safety, and this results in shifts in our autonomic state without our conscious awareness. People with conditions such as Long Covid, Lyme Disease, ME/CFS or Chronic Pain can often trace this hypervigilance and sense of fear right back to childhood. So how to address this sense of feeling unsafe?

Both IFS and buddhist practices tell us that by welcoming in difficult emotions and sensations, rather than fighting them, what we are experiencing no longer needs to be so overpowering. Pema Chodren, an American born buddhist nun trained in the Tibetan Mahayana Tradition, in her book Welcoming the Unwelcome, sets out practiced, heartfelt guidance on this. If we can bring curiosity to the fear, or the anger or frustration, or the physical symptoms themselves such as chest pain, exhaustion, brain fog, aching joints etc, we can invite these sensations to come in, join us, so we can get to know them and understand what they feel and need. As soon as we do, many people notice that the sensations soften. Feeling welcomed in our system is the key.

Nate Singer talks about this in his interview with Raelan Agle here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9UvqugEbhY. His experience with IFS is 25 mins 35 in. His pain part is "an angry red mist". He imagines himself in a comfortable safe place, a log cabin in the mountains, and opens the door and invites the pain in and makes it a cup of tea, and asks it to tell him its story.

In the first year, me and my then pre-teen sons decided to call my Long Covid symptoms "Shrek". We agreed he was big and heavy, with antisocial qualities, often arriving on scene with little warning. Getting to know Shrek and his needs was the first step. Giving him a seat at the table, letting him know it was ok for him to make a bit of a mess of everything, instantly took our stress levels down as a family. Asking him with curiosity why he was here and what he needed to tell me was the next thing. It took me a while to get there but it was so valuable when I did. It turned out that for me Long Covid was going to help me learn about being more present for others, and shed some old anxiety patterns and begin a completely way of life, with lots of discoveries, despite the pain and isolation.

I've worked with clients who have had cancer and when they have done the same process. Honing in on the disease part, getting to know why it was showing up in their system, what its role was, they found that this part has had something useful to tell them. Some cancer parts were there to help them slow down and look after themselves better, to make more spaces, or to spend more time with family, or to make time for just resting. Derek Scott, during his final year with cancer, in a poignant filmed IFS session with Dick Schwarz, talked about his own cancer being there to "bring him home".

I'll just pause to say; Derek, we miss you. We appreciate your dedication to teaching IFS, your amazing body of work, and legacy you passed onto your vibrant team at IFSCA, and think of you with gratitude every day.

Tuning into our body's reactions, giving the parts that appear kindness and attention, leads to taking more of a gentle care of ourselves when we have to make difficult choices. Its like looking out for a poorly or vulnerable member of our internal family.

For me the strongest symptom is chest pain, headaches and brain fog. This means I have struggled to make decisions with my mind and have had to tune in to my chest and my gut feelings.

My restless mind doesn't help me much when I feel overwhelmed by symptoms. With my mind in the driving seat, it gets very confusing as the internal elements or "parts" feel more polarised. When using my mind, I often find fear becomes more prevalent, as opposed to when I'm more centered and tuning into my gut feelings. By tuning into my chest, I'm also tuning into my heart; closer to Self Energy, in IFS terms.

You'll probably be familiar with a few of your own parts to a certain extent. To make things easy, I've highlighted common ones that are relevant to Long Covid.

There's the Hyper-Vigilant one, always scanning for threats to me and my family. This part needs to be told that we are safe, and worthwhile valued people, and that its ok for us just to "be" or to rest. It needs to be reassured that nothing bad will happen. Some part of me finds resting when I'm feeling unwell and trusting that things won't unravel during this time, very difficult. This part believes that rest is only safe when all the jobs have been completed, which of course, for a parent is impossible.

Others I have spoken to with chronic fatigue syndrome tell me that they long to have someone along side to tell them that they are deserving of love, and of rest, and that they will be safely looked after during this time. I relate. So does Jenny Lynn, a former hypno-psychotherapist specializing in ME/CFS, who shares her unique approach to healing – blending mind-body connection, self-compassion, and spirituality in an Instagram interview with Raelan Agle here: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7edrp7CJYG/

Other parts that often come up for people with chronic health conditions are: the Perfectionist: this part wants to continue to do everything it did before to a high standard. Perhaps driven by an inner critic, this part can make tasks feel impossible, or can make symptoms a lot worse.

The Caregiver: I know this one well. Being a parent with nurturing instincts I often tend to put others needs first and my own last. This was ok until my health changed, when operating like this tends to take my health and those who rely on me in a downward spiral.

Then there's the Resource Protector: the part that's worried about limited resources due to limited earning capacity and illness flare ups: its concerned about saving money, saving energy... perhaps wise at times, although without caution, it can create limiting beliefs and a shrinking of resources and nourishing experiences. If we listen to it too much we can turn down all good offers of holidays, adventures, fun, live music, day trips, days in nature, and take us down into a depression. It can also prevent us from spending money on things that might help us save energy. CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) can help us challenge the beliefs the resource protector part holds so that it doesnt sabotage our recovery too much.

Another active one for me is the Self Sabotager: the rebel, the one that likes to do naughty things, the one that gets bored with familiar patterns, or dislikes following a logical path to a goal.

Theres the Image Protector, that wants to control what other people at work or in public see, particularly in relation to signs of a disability. This one is often connected with an exile which has experienced shame. IFS can help us tend to this vulnerable part that has experienced bad experiences, and help it recover so that the Image Protector can relax a little.

Theres the Tick Boxer with "get on with it" as its strapline; always in a hurry to tick jobs off lists. Sometimes addicted to cortisol and adrenaline, it can become overly focussed about getting our jobs done, perhaps at the expensive of doing them carefully. The cortisol or adrenaline addiction can lead to a pattern of over-scheduling or committing to things that aren't realistic. Sometimes the Tick Boxer can prevent us from sensing when we're reaching the limit of our energy windows, which according to pacing advice, can make our condition worse.

Some clients I've worked with have Rescuing parts that frequently want to intervene and assist others, often neglecting their own needs. Their childhoods often included family tensions, such as parental conflicts or a parent with a mental health condition or addiction. IFS has been beneficial in acquainting them with their internal family of parts, each with its own needs, helping them to rebalance so they can prioritize their own self-care and health issues before hastening to aid others.

Through working with these common parts in IFS, I have seen that all of them will have had a protective role that has served the person, in some cases many times. However, what becomes clear is that these parts don't always work well when in the driving seat of our system once a chronic condition is at play.

Honing in on one, and I'm using myself as an example here: my own caregiver part has the image of a frayed (or fried) elderly lady in a nylon dress buckling under the weight of bags of groceries. She doesn't smile much and needs me to notice the weight that she's carrying and tell her how hard she's working, what a great job she's doing, and she wants help from others so that the load is less. I call her "Vi" and at times shes a bit of a martyr and her big concern is making sure my children and extended family get the very best of everything. I actually love her for that, as despite the lack of smiling she's got their interests at heart.

When I have heard all the conflicting needs of the different parts within me, thanked them for what they ve been doing for me, and given them my attention and reassuring presence to help sooth and support them, they settle down. If I remember to do this is a warm hearted way, things suddenly feel less effortful, less confusing, and safer.

Is IFS saying we all have multi personality disorders?

According to Dick Schwarz, that only tends to be an issue in more extreme cases, where parts can become even more polarised, specifically in survivors of extreme childhood abuse or neglect.

In these cases, the parts in someone with multi personality disorder often get polarised and loud within a person when they don't pay them any attention or acknowledge their value up until that moment. Their parts have concerns stemming from difficult past experiences and when they get more heated and manipulative, attempts to shut them out only make them louder and more destructive.

So what we learn from IFS is that when integrated and listened to, and sometimes unburdened of the difficult emotions, the different parts within us can become more moderate and play a healthier role. They can be encouraged to step back and allow the SELF to speak.

It’s often not exactly words that come from The Self, this helpful "voice" of leadership. More of a physical feeling, in the heart for some, and sometimes a feeling of energy emanating from the hands. Some find the Self makes it easier to sit upright, their posture improves and things feel easier and sometimes more joyful. The busy mind starts to slow down and they realise where they are more acutely, with less distraction and more acceptance. At its most expansive, being in self is a place of deep stillness and peace. When just glimpsed for a moment, it’s quite soft and subtle, and we are given permission to stop and takes stock. To enjoy the view, or the ride.

One of the many great guides who teaches techniques to access the Self is Loch Kelly https://lochkelly.org. Its worth checking out his free videos on You Tube for an introduction to his work.

When Self Energy is present, oxytocin can be released instead, which helps us to "Be" with what is, however imperfect, and it helps us to be kind to others, and to ourselves. We tend to feel "Safe" when the SELF is felt in our systems. This safety where the parasympathetic nervous system and the vagus nerve promote calm, and the feeling of optimism, can help us out of the cycles of anxiety which can perpetuate chronic health conditions such as Long Covid.

And often for some, an image or sensation comes when we have self in the driving seat and are making choices. When I disregard it (and I often do, like a child, as part of me is feeling rebellious, or wants to see what happens) I often get another image or physical sense of what the consequences might be. Again, the guidance is gentle, it is not telling me off. And I notice an air of disappointment surfacing if I haven’t followed the Self's guidance. My system feels like its failed a bit. But the consequence isn't punitive, its a bit like how a good parent shows a child the consequences of their actions. There's always choice.

When I follow the selfs direction, I feel there’s a particular change in my energy, in my frequency. As this develops, we can get into a really expansive state where everything feels possible. As if the self-sabotager in me has been gently asked to stand to one side and watch what happens (but not banished or shamed). And the remarkable thing is, that in my experience, the sabotaging part agrees for stand out of the way for a little while, if Self is present.

It’s interesting what happens if I disregard the guidance. The rebel voice within says something like "go on, you deserve to treat yourself. Life has been hard”. I know that voice. 

Mosaic by Embellished Organics

Rather like the character in this beautiful mosaic, the Sabotager part in me seems to wants to experience darkness, isolation, illness. It seems to like addictions, and it wants to sabotage my plans. This part also has old wounds and has learned to sabotage us because it thinks its safer to not take risks and avoid working towards important goals.

For me personally, the sabotager enjoys getting me to be the rebel, rather than the goodie goodie in the classroom. It feels safer, and potentially less lonely from the others back in that classroom many years ago.

The most transformational bit of advice I've had this year is every time I catch myself about to do or say something that is potentially self sabotaging, is to mentally say to myself "I chose to..." That phrase seems to get the consultation process with all the parts kick started, so that they are all heard, valued and start working together somehow, under the Selfs leadership. Can it really be that simple?

How to keep earning when you're unwell?

During a flare up, managing to bring earnings to the table can be challenging. How can we make our workload flex according to our energy so we can keep working, earning, enjoying being productive, rather than letting people down? There are some creative ways, particularly if you are self employed or having an understanding boss, but its not always straightforward.

With my ex-OT hat on, when I'm really struggling to manage work, I ask: can I do it more slowly, e.g. park the car closer, problem solve it? Take big breaks between each stage? Be creative in how I approach this, have some help? Can l do any preparation stages earlier? Have pre-emptive conversations with those I might be working with/ for happened about the likely process and what it might look like?

Asking my body to visualise going through the motions first helps. Then my self energy seems to step in and help me see things for what they are, and have a curious and loving attitude, and be optimistic. I'm amazed, looking back over the last three and a half years, how I've managed what I have. The practice of going over the day after the work is done and realising what has gone well, and been possible helps build resiliance and optimism in the face of chronic symptoms.

Today I'm almost thankful that my symptoms are not invisible today. My walking on a bad day looks a little like M.S. or Parkinson's, due to functional neuropathy. I get a lot of puzzled looks as it is difficult to hide. I've developed a thick skin. My Self Conscious part has mostly stopped getting activated now when the walking suddenly "goes" as its been a few years, and other protective parts are proud of the efforts I make and don't believe I deserve any judgment. On other days, walking is fine, as long as I go slowly, but there are invisible symptoms such a chest pain, migraine, joint pain, brain fog etc which are harder to explain.

There's an anxious People-Pleasing part that loves to be a reliable, dependable support to clients, and wont cancel anything. There's the Breadwinner part that LOVES to earn money for the family. There's a Defensive part of me who needs to remind everyone concerned of how reliable I have been in the past. It reminds me that its not my fault that I have these flare ups, that I’m human, and have frailties, The Caregiver part enthusiastically quotes self sacrificing moments I have made for clients.

NVC, or Non Violent Communication, formulated by Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s and 70s, gives us tools which help us negotiate these difficult interactions in our work. Thanks to Ruud Banders of Mahakaruna, and his Non Violent Communication and IFS training, for passing on these skills. Using NVC with IFS enables that Self Energy to be centre stage as we put forward our situation calmly and ask others to clarify theirs, and their needs and concerns. It can be a wonderful calming route to find a compromise in a difficult situation. I'm pretty sure clients and bosses can sense when we are being truthful, if they are good people, but they also sense when we are open to hearing their needs too.

I think it’s a mixture of tapping into our own indestructable, compassionate intelligence, or the SELF, and asking the body, our inner conscience, our mind, including our own inner protectors and managers which are shaped by our past, our friends and family, and most importantly asking the wider invisible field of intelligence to help us, step by step, to recover and keep going for our families and wider community.

It sounds pretty out-there but I do also feel that something greater than ourselves, perhaps in the form of ancestors, is advising me through connection with The Self through each day. It’s not anything grand, they just give tiny little nudges. Often the clarity comes first thing in the morning or during the night when I cant sleep.

Sometimes it feels that they make their support clear, if I make enough space for them, or get myself into a really peaceful and open state. Meditation enables this. Occasionally a memory or an image of a particular a helper (e.g. my groups IFSCA teacher Derek Scott who’s recently died, or one of my own family elders) comes to mind when I'm facing up to a potentially challenging programme, and not feeling at all strong, as if they’re showing up to remind me to call on them.

Sometimes it’s just an image of something beautiful I catch sight of on a walks in a wild place, reminding me of the good sense nature has about its own intricate renewal.

Occasionally I get stuck and I don’t know how to solve a problem. I’m the only adult in the household with two teenagers, so there often isn’t another person to ask and I don’t always want to bother my friends and family as they have their own challenges.

So if my own internal parts are pulling me in all directions and not landing on any answers, and my experience and body isn't up to the challenge, I ask the question, just put it out into the “field”. Sometimes I've found holding the image of the problem in my open hand, allowing help to come, has been helpful. I know it might take a few days for the answer to arrive back. I have become very trusting of my more expanded Self, and the help available to it. Something good always comes at the right time. Looking back, our essential needs have always been met, one way or another.

If any of this is relevant to you, and you'd like to meet for a free chat, to see if my ifs informed coaching could help you with long covid or your own chronic health condition, do get in touch via my Contact page on this website. And please don't let my fees be the reason you don't reach out for help or a listening ear, we can negotiate as needed to make it possible for you. I would love to hear from you.

Josie, June 2024